What am I yearning for? What is this dissatisfaction within? God, what is this yearning? I trust in you Lord. You are the voice that has called me and brought me to life. You are the voice that has led me, guided me, comforted me, you are the voice of my life, my strong Father, filled with wisdom, fierce strength, yet gracious gentle love.
Fill me now, fill me with your Holy Spirit, that I would be full, that I would yearn no more. Yet it is the yearning that draws me to you, it is the yearning that makes me cry out to you and find my life, my strength, my joy. So maybe I should not ask that the yearning would cease, but that I would observe the yearning as a call to draw nearer, closer.
The yearning is only satisfied when I sit at attention to you, at your feet in surrender, to be taught, to be led, to be instructed. Speak Lord, for your servant is listening. All the world quiets and hushes in silent anticipation, only to be interrupted by the voice, the voice within, the voice of God. In the silence I am emptied of self, emptied of all, as in the creation of the earth, a mass of nothingness awaiting the Creator’s voice to create, to paint upon the blank canvas that I have become.
With piercing silence I hear the inhaling of breath that precedes spoken word, trembling with the fear of God, yet captivated by a sense of security, He speaks. His breath and the words are one, almost as if a soft blow of air is released with the few words that are sent forth. “I love you”. Words that I have heard before, yet words that empower, create, sustain. Words that wash away fear, and insecurity, while bringing a sense of confidence and invincibility. Three words that say countless words, “I am for you, I am with you, I am watching, I see you, I have not forgotten, I am strong enough, I still have a plan, you are not alone, you do not walk alone, my strength is your strength, you are mine, you are my child, I am your Father, I am all that you could ever yearn for, I am,…I am,…I am.”
…I stand in renewed strength, I am in my office, I see piles of papers around me, painted drywall, carpet, books, shoes and my son’s toys on the floor. I am in a normal place, an earthly place. It is still quiet, yet I realize that I am in the world, I have work to do, bills to pay, responsibilities. I look upward, smile and say “I trust you Lord, thank you, I trust you.”
My yearning has transformed into immense peace, silent power, confidence, the source of my smile. I am ready to live, ready to love, ready to give. My life is good, my life is whole.